Primus's Place
by Primus510
Summary: Madness rules in my domain. I interview the characters of Naruto and show them the unique perks about being popular in fanfictions...also, be warned...I may use some 4chan memes.
1. Naruto

Primus's Place

_**Primus's Place**_

Hello, I am Primus. Welcome to the first episode of Primus's place! These chapters will be short, and they will probably suck. Basically, I will interview the cast of Naruto and show them things they never knew about, including the types of fan fictions we have. Today, we have Naruto! How is it going?

"Wh-where am I? What am I doing here?"

First question, you are in my Inner Sanctum.

Thunder crashes

…Ok, second, didn't you hear the introduction!? Anyway, first question. Why are you such an idiot?

"HEY! I am NOT an idiot!"

Sure, ok, let's go with that. Second question. If you eat so much ramen, how come you are never fat? Ramen is fattening, after all.

"I think it has something to do with the Kyuubi. His influence makes me have a high metabolism."

…K, moving on. Third question. How come you have not noticed Hinata?

"…what do you mean?"

…Never mind, you blatant ignoramus…anyway, Ken, I think its time to show Naruto.

"What? Show me what?"

Yourself.

A door opens in the Inner Sanctum as lightning crashes. There stood five different Narutos.

"WHAT THE HELL IS THIS!?"

Ok, first Alternate Naruto, Female Naruto.

"FEMALE!?"

Yup.

Alt-"Hello there, me."

"Oh my god, you're a chick!"

Alt-"No shit, genius. You know, you're pretty cute. If you weren't me, I would probably sleep with you if I was drunk.

"WHAT?!"

O-k lets move on. Second alternate, High School Naruto.

Alt-"So this is me, eh? How's it going?"

"How old are you?"

Alt-"Sixteen. Why?"

"You're what I'll look like when I hit sixteen? Sweet!! Sakura-chan would definitely like me, then!"

Alt-"No she won't."

"Huh?"

Alt-"She'll think of you as a friend, and nothing more. Kind of sucks, she has a nice ass."

"OH MY GOD, I'M A PERV AT SIXTEEN!!"

Alrighty then, let's move on. Third alternate, Super Naruto.

Alt-"…"

"…Um…hi."

Alt-"…hello."

"Why are you wearing an ANBU mask?

Alt-"I joined ANBU at age 6."

"Holy shit! Really!?"

Alt-"Yes. I am also close to being Hokage, and I am also dating Sakura-chan."

"Wow! You're everything I ever wanted to be!"

Alt-"If you ever have the chance, don't join ANBU."

"Why?"

Alt-"Because it makes you emotionless, over time. Just don't do it.

"Ok, who have you beaten?"

Alt-"Throw out any name."

"Alright, Orochimaru."

Alt-"Beaten."

"Wow. Ok, Akatsuki."

Alt-"Beaten."

"Jeez, Sasuke?"

Alt-"Beaten easily."

Ok, that's enough bragging. Fourth alternate, Demon Naruto.

"Wait, D-demon?"

Yes. The Kyuubi either fuses with you, or you become possessed by Kyuubi.

"WHAT!?"

Alt-"**Hello, me.**"

"My gods, I even sound like Kyuubi…"

Alt-"**No shit, shit-head. I fucking absorbed him, you want to battle over it?**"

"U-um n-n-no…"

Alt-"**That's good. Stay in your place, weakling.**"

"Can we move on? He scares me."

Are you sure?

"Yes…"

Alright, Final alternate, GAY NARUTO.

Naruto takes one glance at gay Naruto and faints.

…Alright, thank god we didn't have to listen to _that_ conversation. This is Primus, signing off.

Primus walks off as _Paralyzer by Finger Eleven_ plays.

A/N: I know. Insane, right? BTW, I don't own Finger Eleven or their song Paralyzer. R/R!


	2. Sakura

Primus's Place

_**Primus's Place**_

Hello! Welcome to another Primus's Place!

Thunder Crashes

Dammit, Ken, enough with the ominous thunder…

**Sorry.**

S'alright. Anyway, our guest today is Sakura! Her appearance was recommended by freshman007. Oh, by the way, inspiration for this WHOLE DAMN THING is Loki God of Mischief. Thanx, dude!

"Hello? Over here!"

Oh, sorry for ignoring you. (Annoying attention whore…)

"What did you say?!"

Nothing that needs to be brought to your attention. Anyway, onto the questions! Question 1, does having a flat chest run in the females of your family?

"WHAT?!"

Question 2, why do you like Sasuke?

"Does it need to be said? He's cute and smart and strong. Anything else?"

Is that it? How shallow.

"Hey!!"

Question 3, do you really hate Naruto?

"Of course not! He just gets annoying…at times…"

You know, in many Naruto fanfictions, you slapped him after he didn't bring Sasuke back.

"What!? YOU RAT BASTARDS!! I would never destroy a friendship for a boy!"

…My god…something kind coming from your mouth!

"…Why do you hate me so much?"

Oh, nothing against you personally, I just hate fan girls.

"I am not a fan girl!"

Ok, what is Sasuke's favorite color?

"Duh, black!"

Ok, hey, Naruto, what is duck-ass-for-a-head's favorite color?

N-"…What? How the hell would I know?"

See?

"Hmph. Meanie!"

Nice comeback. Anyway, time to show you _your_ alternates.

"What? My alternates? What are you talking about?

Five Sakura alternates walked into the room as Sakura stared at all of them in horror and confusion

Alternate number 1, Non useless Sakura.

"Hey, I'm not useless! Um why are you all muddy and sweaty?"

Alt-"I just got done with a mission! We had to take down a missing Nin, and I wasn't just sitting around and doing nothing coughlikeyoucough."

"…What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

Alt-"What do you think it means, bitch?"

"YOU MOTHERFU"

Audience-"Pri-mus! Pri-mus! Pri-mus!"

O-K, that's it, I'm not hosting Jerry Springer here. Next alternate, Not-Flat-chested Sakura.

"I am not flat-chested!"

Sure, and Alexander the Great didn't defeat the entire Achaemenid Persian Empire.

"…What?"

Alt-"Hey."

"…Oh my god, those are the biggest breasts I've ever seen! Maybe even bigger than Tsunade-sensei's!"

Alt-"They are. She didn't believe me, we measured, and I won. It's as simple as that."

"My god…do you have back problems?"

"No…why?"

O-K, let's stop there, god, this whole show makes me feel awkward…Whatever, next alternate, Tomboy Sakura.

Alt-"Hey, how's it going?"

"What are you wearing?!"

Alt-"What? Clothes, what else?"

My god…it's a…ORANGE JUMPSUIT!!

"…"

Alt-"Hey, do you like ramen too?"

MY GOD, IT'S ANOTHER NARUTO!!

Alt-"Hey!"

N-"HEY!"

"Get it away!!"

Ok, next alternate, FAST. Super Sakura??

"Hello?"

Alt-"Hello. Look, can we hurry this up? I have an A rank mission in 30 minutes."

LOL WUT

"Wow, an A rank mission! What are those like?"

Alt-"Hell."

"O-Ok…um…are you alone?"

Alt-"Of course. Sasuke and Naruto died on a mission they couldn't handle."

O RLY

"WHAT?!"

Ok, can we stop this alternate interview? I'm starting to spout 4chan memes.

Alt-"Hey, the sooner it's over, the better, bud."

…I am not your "Bud". Anyway, the final Interview, (thank Jesus…), Inner Sakura Unleashed?? What the hell?

Alt-"CHAA!"

"…Hi?"

Alt-"God-DAMN! You have the hugest forehead I have ever seen!!"

"W-what?"

Alt-"You heard me, holy shit; they should rent out your head for advertizing, for fucks sake!"

"…sniff S-Shut up…"

Alt-"BAAAAAW!! You gonna cry, baby? Baby want her bottle?"

O-K, enough bullying, please?

Alt-"Fuck you!"

…I am NOT the person you want to mess with, bitch. I'm a pretty pacifistic person, but when the time comes to it, I will splatter you across the floor. They will need a mop to clean you up. Comprende?

Alt-"…"

Thought so. Anyway, a special thanks to freshman007 for recommending Sakura for this interview-

"Thanks a lot, jerk, you got me bullied!"

MY fault, I wrote this, remember? Anyway, tune in next time for another Primus's place! Also, give me recommendations for characters to appear on the show. Enchante.


	3. Sasuke

Primus's Place

_**Primus's Place**_

I know what you're thinking. 'They made another?!' YES. Many thanks to tiffany, Loki God of Mischief, and, again, freshman007 for asking me to tortu-I mean interview Sas-gay over here.

Sasuke gives Primus the best evil eye he can muster, to no effect

…Why are you staring at me? Are you really that gay?

Sasuke's anger increases exponentially

…K, moving on. Question 1, how do you get your hair like that? Do you sleep on it wrong?

Sasuke just tries his best to ignore Primus

…K, second question… (_**You better fucking speak for this next question, bitch.**_)

Sasuke, for some reason, seems to want to speak all of a sudden

Why do you think Itachi killed your clan?

"…because I saw him, genius…"

Oh, sure, you saw him. Are you sure it wasn't a henge?

"Who else could have used the Mangekyou?

coughMadaracough

"Who?"

'Jo mama.

"Tell me!"

Tell me!

"Shut up!"

Shut up!

"GOD DAMN IT!"

Hey, language, motherfucker. Third question, who was the founder of your clan?

"…Uchiha Madara, duh."

Now, did you ever hear about him after the Uchiha Massacre? Tries to get sense in Sasuke's head

"…No, he was dead at the time…"

Oh my god…I wish **CHUCK NORRIS** would come and roundhouse kicks some sense into you…

"…Who's Chuck Norris?"

gasp WHAT!? You don't know who **CHUCK NORRIS** is?!

"…No…"

**CHUCK NORRIS** is so badass, his beard has muscles.

"…why do you say his name like that?"

**CHUCK NORRIS** is so badass, he deserves it. His tears heal cancer, you know.

"…What's cancer?"

Oh…yeah…none of you have had cancer yet…try to tell Shikamaru to stop smoking…

"…What's cancer?"

You'll learn. Anyway, enough with the boring part, onto the alternates!

"…I'm so damn confused…"

Four alternates stand at the door

Sorry only four this time, folks. Gay Sasuke is our star, today.

"…I'm going to ignore you."

Please, do. First alternate, Non-Emo Sasuke? That's im-fucking-possible.

"…I hate you."

Alt-"Hey! How's it going?"

"…What's wrong with you? Are you on crack?"

Alt-"Of course not! You're just dreary!"

He's got you there.

"Shut it."

Your mom shut it.

"…what?"

Next alternate, more useless Sasuke. Again, IMPOSSIBLE.

"…"

Alt-"…"

"…Say something."

Alt-"What's the point? I'm so useless; I'll screw up mid sentence…"

Dear god, it is possible…

"Shut up."

Your mom sh-

"STOP TALKING!"

Dear god, this alternate is depressing…go slit your wrists, useless.

Alt-"Ok."

The alternate slits his wrists and dies of blood loss

…well, fuck. Can someone get rid of the body please?

**Sure.**

Thanks.

The body is incinerated by flame jets

I love the smell of napalm in the morning. It smells like…victory.

"…What is wrong with you?"

Do you really want that info? This might take a minute.

"…just go on…"

Ok, alternate, cross dresser Sasuke! Now THAT is possible!

"…go to hell."

Already there.

Alt-"Dude, your clothes are awful. Haven't you ever heard of Capri's?"

"…"

Alt-"Also, you need lingerie."

"…We could borrow some from Primus."

Oh, you mean the ones I got from your dad?

"…yeah well…wait…son of a bitch…"

You people at home smell that? Bitch got served. (I love leetworld!)

Alt-"After the show, we are going shopping, mister."

"…switch the alternate…NOW."

For once, I agree. Final alternate, Girl Sasuke.

"…Switch them back…NOW."

One request per interview, bitch.

"Damn you."

Alt-"Hey."

"…"

Alt-"You know, you're very rude. I like that Naruto boy better."

"…"

Alt-"In fact, I think I'll talk to him later. He looks like a good lay."

"faints from shock"

Alt-"There he goes! Hey! Naruto-kun!"

N-"Eh?"

What the fuck just happened? Ugh, screw it. This is Primus, signing off.


	4. Kakashi

Primus's Place

_**Primus's Place**_

Welcome back to Primus's Place. Today, we have a certain teacher with us today…

"Sup."

Hello, Kakashi. I will be your tortu-cough I mean host today.

"…I don't like this already."

Oh, just wait. It gets worse…

"Seriously?"

Have you _seen_ the past shows?

"No…"

Good. Then everything will be a surprise…

Thunder goes off in the background

DAMMIT, Ken! I told you about the thunder!

**Sorry.**

"…Ok, ask me any questions, I am an open book." Opens the certain book that certain females seem to hate.

Ok, question 1: Have you heard of **CHUCK NORRIS?**

"…Who?"

Boot to the head.

A boot comes from out of nowhere and hits Kakashi square in the side of the head.

thud "OW!"

Question 2: What kind of hair gel do you use? I'm asking because your hair defies all the laws of physics.

"I use super glue."

…Super glue?

"Yes."

…You gave some to Sasuke when you first met him, didn't you?

"…yes."

HA! I KNEW it!! Take that, queer!!

Sas-"Dammit, Kakashi, you said you would keep that a secret!"

"I lied."

Sas-"GRAGH!"

Question 3: How did you obtain the Mangekyo? You didn't kill anyone, didn't you?

"Pfft, no. It took professionalism."

…professionalism?

"Yes, professionalism."

I don't want to know. Anyway, do you want to see your alternates?

"No."

Good, ok, you can all come out now.

Five alternates come out of a doorway.

Ok, the first alternate is mask less Kakashi.

"…! NO!! YOU MUSTN'T SEE MY FACE!!"

Alt-"What the fu"

Kakashi tackles the alternate and pulls out an extra mask, trying to put it on him. The alternate kicks Kakashi off of him and runs away, Kakashi in hot pursuit.

…Jesus FISH, Kakashi's fast.

Kakashi comes back in panting.

"I got it on him. He was like an eel, but I got him."

Second alternate: Punctual…

Alt-"Hi."

What the…let me finish speaking! You're here early.

Alt-"You said to be here at 5:00 sharp. It's 5:00."

"…What's it like, being early?"

Alt-"Oh, it feels great! You can get a head start on things, and everything."

"You're weird."

Alt-"You're late."

"So was your mom last Thursday."

Alt-"Wait, what?"

Ok, getting freaky. Third alternate, girl Kakashi.

"What?"

Alt-"Hi."

The alt pulls out a certain book…

"Wait, you read Icha Icha? I thought women hated Icha Icha…"

Alt-"We hate the original version. This is the YAOI version."

lolwut

"EVIL!! Get it away!!"

Alt-"What? It's so cute!"

Ugh, this discussion has gotten worse than an Uwe Boll movie…lets move on to super pervert Kakashi…stay frosty, audience.

Alt-"Can we just talk already? I have women to spy on for Jiraiya-sama."

"Did you ever get the living shit beaten out of you?"

Alt-"Plenty o' times. I can remember this one time they really went to town on me. They tied me to a wooden pole and heated up iron poles and pushed them onto my nipples."

"And that's why I try to avoid looking into the women's bath houses, even though I live a block away from it."

Alt-"You lucky bastard! Kurenai pulled a restraining order on me after the 3rd time she caught me. It was the 9th time I ever spied on her, though."

Aw, on Kurenai? She's nice dude, you shouldn't do that.

Alt-"Yeah, nice, I know what you mean…hehehe…"

Dammit, you perv, next alternate, weak-ass bitch Kakashi.

Alt-"Don't call me that…"

What are you going to do about it? Annoy me to death?

Alt-"…"

"Just insult him."

Alt-"But he'll insult me back!"

"So?!"

Alt-"I can't take abuse!! WAH!!"

The alt runs off crying like a little bitch

Wow, that was almost too easy. It's almost as easy as making an emo slit his wrists.

"Wow, you're evil."

Danke. Speaking of which, Sasuke, come here, please.

Sas-"sigh what?"

MEET **CHUCK NORRIS**!!

Sas-"What the fu"

**CHUCK NORRIS** comes out of nowhere and roundhouse kicks the FAJEEZUS out of Sasuke, completely obliterating him from space and time.

Pwnd, n00b. Tune in next time for…someone. Actually, please review and recommend characters for me to savage. Bai bai. Again, R/R.


	5. Haku

_**Primus's Place**_

_Primus is seen sitting in his trademark director's chair as his assistant, Ken, wipes the dust off of various items in the background._

HOLY CRAP, I'M ACTUALLY ALIVE! And I bet you all thought I was dead or something silly like that, pfft.(The Naruto characters _wish_) Anyway, due to popular request (two damn people _grumble_), we have Haku with us today!!

"…Hello. It is a pleasure to mee-"

Yeah, yeah, it's a pleasure, blah blah fuckin' blah, all that jazz, whatever. Onto the questions. Question #1: Are you a lady? 'Cause if you are…he he he…

"No, I am not a female, and secondly, eew."

Have you looked in a mirror recently? You have a serious case of **Dude Looks Like A Lady Syndrome**.

"…I'm sorry, what?"

Question #2: Have you ever seen Zabuza naked?

"Yes."

…

"…"

…Ok. Yeah. I really don't want to know.

"Well, he was injured, and he needed someone to bathe him, and-"

OK I GET IT, JEEZ. You really can't take a hint, can you? Anyway, question #3: Are you sure that you aren't a female? I mean, you sound very feminine, and you look AMAZING.

"Yes. Yes I am very sure I am male, judging by the fact that I have a penis."

Fine, fine, now that we have that very important issue out of the way, let me show you your …alternates…

_A clap of thunder reverberates throughout the room, while Primus chuckles evilly under his breath like the evil bastard that he is. The door slides open, revealing four figures standing at attention._

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

"…Are you alright?"

Sorry, the medication must be wearing off.

"Medication?"

Alternate #1: Buff and MANLY Haku!

Alt- "…"

"Hello."

Alt- "MY NAME IS HUGE"

"W-What?"

Alt-"I PUNCH THINGS GOOD"

"Um…ok…"

Alt- "YOU HAVE STICK ARMS. I WILL TRAIN YOU GOOD"

Say, do you know Chuck Norris?

Alt- "KNOW HIM? HE WAS MY UNCLES BEST FRIENDS COUSINS SISTERS BROTHERS PARENTS ROOMMATE TWICE REMOVED FOR BREAKING SHIT"

…That makes you absolutely nothing. Mehehehspaceballsmeheheheheh

Alt- "WHAT PUNY MAN SAY?? I WILL BREAK PUNY MAN"

Oh fuck.

"Might I suggest another alternate?"

YES, PLEASE. Ok, alternate #2: Dress-Like-A-Guy Haku!

Alt- "Hello."

Oh for fuck's sake. Another fucking orange jumpsuit?! Really?!

Alt- "What?"

YOU ARE A FUCKING NINJA/ASSASSIN. YOU SHOULD NOT BE WEARING A SUIT THAT MAKES YOU EASILY VISIBLE AT NIGHT_, LET ALONE THE FUCKING DAY!!_

"For once, I agree with this strange, easily provoked little man. Your choice of attire seems…"

Stupid? Functionally retarded?

"…Unorthodox."

Alt- "But it looks cool!"

_Primus flies into a sort of berserker rage, screaming curses and jumping on the alternate Haku as Ken rushes over to try and get the enraged Primus off. As the show goes to commercial, you can't help but think about the overall insanity of what just took place. _

_A random, unpopular author named Primus somehow obtained his own show and uses it to torture Naruto characters. The very same author just tackled an alternate Haku wearing a very familiar bright orange jumpsuit while his servant-author tried to subdue him._

_What the fuck. Oh, and the show comes back on, revealing a disheveled Primus, a tired Ken, and a wide eyed Haku_.

…Welcome back, folks…

"What just-"

NOT A FUCKING WORD.

_Ken sighs and goes back to cleaning the place up after the struggle. You swear you can hear him mutter "Sometimes training under this nutcase doesn't seem worth it."_

Anyway, alternate #3 (and my personal favorite): Girl Haku!

"…What."

Alt- "Hey, cutie."

Sup.

Alt- "Not you, you creep."

Wait, what?

Alt- "I'm talking to tall, dark and handsome, sitting in the seat across from you."

…Oh dear lord.

"…"

Alt- "How about we skip the show and-"

"Primus, PLEASE switch the alternate. NOW."

I agree. This keeps happening with female alternates. Dammit, I wonder why?

Ken- "Maybe it's your repressed-"

Shut up or I rewrite you out of existence.

Ken- "Ok."

_Damn fucking disrespectful authors-in-training_…anyway, the final alternate…PLAYER HAKU!

"Please switch them back."

Like I said before, one request per interview, bitch.

"…"

Alt- "Hey, pretty lady. How about you park it over here?"

Huh, it's like the roles kind of reversed, except you aren't the promiscuous one.

"Help."

Alt- "Oh come on, babe, you can't say you want some of THIS."

You do know that "she" is a he, right?

Alt- "What?! No! That's impossible! Just look at her!"

Him. Also, I thought that too, but he told me that he was indeed male.

Alt- "Gahrjnfitcmeuitfmewrfuwemrfcetfkjwnehmrjdjaaaaaaaaaaa!!!"

_The alternate runs out of the room, screaming and foaming at the mouth, almost as if he saw an eldritch being_.

Well, now that we have either embarrassed, attacked, tortured or deranged everyone in the room, I guess that's it for the show, you guys. Just remember, read and review.

"Wait, what happens to me?"

Oh yeah. Well, we usually send you back to where we snatched you out of time with no knowledge of the events that took place here.

"_Oh thank god_"

However…

"…H-However?"

In your case, you happen to be a very exploitable character. Homosexual slights and all that.

"…"

So yeah.

"I hate you."

You think you hate me now? Let me introduce you to Kakashi.

Ka- "What do you wa- WOAH HOT CHICK."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

Anyway, I'M BACK, AND I NEED SUGGESTIONS, so R/R!

**Next chapter, we make a Naruto character's life hell. Holy shit, amirite?**


End file.
